IfObama.com - What If It Were Obama?

From the pages of the (parody) New York Times

After 72-Hour Absence for 'Deep Dish Strategy Session,' White House Confirms: President Obama is Alive

By IFOBAMA STAFF | Published: Sept. 8, 2025 · 1 min read

WASHINGTON – Following a tense weekend that saw social media ablaze with speculation ranging from a secret Canadian vacation to an elaborate escape room challenge, the White House Press Secretary addressed a single, pressing question on Monday morning: Yes, President Barack Obama is alive and, according to sources, "feeling quite well, thank you."

The President had not been seen publicly since Thursday, an absence the administration attributed to an "intense, deep-dish strategy session on urban infrastructure," reportedly held at an undisclosed location in Chicago. The lack of tan, however, has led some skeptics to question this official narrative.

"Let me be clear," the Press Secretary stated, adjusting his glasses. "The President was simply engaged in a rigorous, multi-day policy discussion. There were charts. There were binders. There was a spirited debate over stuffed versus thin crust. Any rumors of him getting hopelessly lost on a golf course are patently false."

Despite the official clarification, the story has highlighted the public's fascination with a President known more for his calm demeanor than for mysterious disappearances. The phrase #WheresBarry trended for 48 straight hours, with many expressing relief that the leader of the free world had not, in fact, been traded to the Toronto Raptors as a strategic advisor.

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From the (satirical) desk of The Washington Post

OBAMA, CITING NEED FOR ‘STRONGER BRANDING,’ REBRANDS PENTAGON AS ‘DEPARTMENT OF WAR’

By IFOBAMA STAFF | Published: Sept. 8, 2025 · 1 min read

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move that left Pentagon officials scrambling to update their letterhead, President Obama signed an executive order Friday officially renaming the Department of Defense to the "Department of War." The President argued the change was necessary for "clarity and international brand recognition."

"Look, 'Defense' is a bit passive, isn't it?" President Obama reportedly told aides during a surprisingly brief Oval Office meeting. "It sounds like we're always on our heels. 'War' has a much more proactive, can-do spirit. It just sings."

The decision has been met with bipartisan confusion. "Did we miss a memo?" asked one senator. "I thought we were trying to wind things down." Meanwhile, a four-star general was overheard muttering, "Does this mean we have to re-record all our voicemail greetings? The hold music was just right."

The White House insists the move is purely symbolic and will not change the fundamental mission of the nation's armed forces. An official statement noted, "We are still very much in the business of peace through strength. But now, with better, more impactful branding."

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Reporting from the (parody) Los Angeles Times

Obama Weaponizes Government to Settle Most Pressing Personal Score: The White House Thermostat

By IFOBAMA STAFF | Published: Sept. 8, 2025 · 1 min read

LOS ANGELES – Critics are sounding the alarm after evidence emerged that President Obama may be leveraging the full power of the federal government to settle what sources call "a deeply personal and long-standing grudge." The target? The thermostat in the Oval Office.

An anonymous source revealed that the President has tasked a special joint committee, including personnel from the Department of Energy and NASA, to "once and for all, figure out who keeps turning the temperature down to 68 degrees."

"He's calling it 'Operation Cozy,'" the source whispered. "He wants thermal imaging, motion-activated cameras, the works. He says he's tired of having to 'legislate in a sweater.'"

The move represents a significant escalation in the administration's efforts to create a comfortable working environment. Previous attempts, including a strongly-worded memo and the implementation of an honor system, have reportedly failed. "This isn't about politics," a White House aide insisted. "This is about creating a stable, temperate climate for democracy to flourish. And also, the President's personal comfort. But mostly the democracy thing."

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"Let Me Be Clear" Clarifications

A Weekly Address on Non-Issues

Look, there has been a great deal of chatter, much of it frankly misinformed, regarding the First Lady's recent horticultural adjustments in the White House Kitchen Garden. The notion that the strategic replacement of arugula with a more robust, winter-resilient strain of kale constitutes some sort of 'culinary coup' is a fundamental misreading of our administration's broader agro-economic policy objectives. This wasn't a rebuke of arugula's peppery notes. Rather, it was a data-driven pivot towards maximizing nutritional yield-per-square-foot, consistent with our ongoing commitment to fiscal responsibility and delicious, healthy salads.

Scandal-Free Scandal Watch

THE GREAT DIJON MUSTARD RELOCATION OF 2025

Sources inside the White House have confirmed a shocking development from the West Wing kitchen: a jar of Grey Poupon was moved from the top shelf of the refrigerator to the door compartment. The move, which occurred at approximately 11:03 AM, was allegedly authorized by the President himself. Critics are asking: what did the President know, and when did he know it? Was the Vice President consulted? This story is developing, and we will bring you more as we get it.